Quotes – Jerry Seinfeld


Seinfeld is a show that I have enjoyed watching, including the number of re-runs of each show, none of which I missed if I could help it.
Some quotes that I love from this show:
1) …I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does moisture ruin leather? Aren’t cows outside a lot of the time? When it’s raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, “Let us in! We’re all wearing leather! Open the door! We’re going to ruin the whole outfit here!”
2) I was the best man at the wedding. If I’m the best man, why is she marrying him?
3) …I was in front of an ambulance the other day, and I noticed that the word “ambulance” was spelled in reverse print on the hood of the ambulance. And I thought, “Well, isn’t that clever.” I look in the rear-view mirror, I can read the word “ambulance” behind me. Of course while you’re reading, you don’t see where you’re going, you crash, you need an ambulance. I think they’re trying to drum up some business on the way back from lunch.
4) Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason
5) “I actually owe it to society to do something about this. I can’t sit by and allow this to go on. It’s a moral issue is what it is.”
“You can’t compromise your principles.”
“How am I going to live with myself?”
“Can’t live.”
“I’m not religious but I certainly know where to draw the line.”
“This country needs more people like you.”
“Don’t sell yourself short saying ‘God bless you’ to every Tom, Dick and Harry at great personal risk.”
“I believe strongly in that as you know.”
“There should be more people like us.”
“That’s why the world’s in the shape that it’s in.”
6) “She’s got a big crush on David Letterman, I mean a big crush. She talks about him all the time. Suppose I go up to David Letterman. He works at NBC, I work at NBC. I explain my situation. He agrees to meet her. They go out. They fall madly in love. And she dumps me for David Letterman!”
“This is your plan?”
“No, no, I’m just thinking.”
“I don’t think you are.”
7) “I don’t even drink wine. I drink Pepsi.”
“You can’t bring Pepsi.”
“Why not?”
“Because we’re adults.”
“You’re telling me that wine is better than Pepsi? No way wine is better than Pepsi.”
“I’ll tell ya, George, I don’t think we want to walk in there and put a big plastic jug of Pepsi in the middle of the table.”
“I just don’t like the idea that any time there’s a dinner invitation, there’s this annoying little chore that goes along with it.”
“You know, you’re getting to be an annoying little chore yourself.”
8) “I don’t like to carry my wallet. My osteopath says that it’s bad for my spine. Throws my hips off kilter.”
9) “So, attractive one day, not attractive the next.”
“Have you come across this?”
“Yes, I am familiar with this syndrome. She’s a two-face.”
“Like the Batman villain?”
“If that helps you.”
“So if I ask her out again, I don’t know who’s showing up — the good, the bad, or the ugly.”
10) “Are you going to tell your parents you’re still alive?”
“No. They could use the break.”
11) “A relationship is an organism. You created this thing and then you starved it, so it turned against you. Same thing happened to the Blob.”
12) “Women go after doctors like men go after models. They want someone with knowledge of the body. We just want the body.”
13) “Now listen, let’s keep an eye on each other tonight. In case one of us gets in a bad conversation, we should have a signal that you’re in trouble so the other one can get us out of it.”
“How old are you?”
14) “So what do you do?”
“I’m a comedian.”
“Are you? Let me ask you something. Where do you get your material?”
“I hear a voice.”
“What kind of voice?”
“A man’s voice, but he speaks in German so I have to get a translator.”
“How come you keep tapping your head?”
“It’s a nervous tic. I’m on L-Dopa.”
15) “Did you find out who stabbed him?”
“Yeah, it turns out it was his ex-girlfriend.”
“Well, you’re not going near this hooligan anymore.”
“Well, I don’t know. I mean, think about it, Jerry. There must be something exciting about this guy if he can arouse that kind of passion. I mean, to be stab-worthy. You know, it’s kind of a compliment.”
“Yeah, too bad he didn’t get shot. He could have been the one.”
16) “Isosceles. You know, I love the name Isosceles. If I had a kid, I would name him Isosceles. Isosceles Kramer.”
17) “Artistic integrity. Where did you come up with that? You’re not artistic and you have no integrity.”
18) “Rock paper scissors match.”
“Alright! Rock beats paper!”
“I thought paper covered rock.”
“Nah, rock flys right through paper.”
“Well, what beats rock?”
“Nothing beats rock.”

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