Ticklers

This page is a compendium of some of my favourite quotes (these get updated almost on a daily basis) that never fail to make me laugh. Where available, the source has been provided, if you see a quote of which the source is known to you, please forward the same to me. I will add a quote a day here and would love a few contributions to be added here. (Note: I have used italics where I have added notes for explanation to readers who are unfamiliar with situations in which the quotes were made).

George Bush (again)

“I heard somebody say, ‘Where’s (Nelson) Mandela?’ Well, Mandela’s dead. Because Saddam killed all the Mandelas.” (Soon Saddam will be convicted for having introduced cancer to the world and will be blamed for global warming, i.e., if the American officials ever accepts that there is something called global warming and that it is not a synonym for “monster under the bed” )

George Bush (again)

“Let me start off by saying that in 2000 I said, ‘Vote for me. I’m an agent of change.’ In 2004, I said, ‘I’m not interested in change –I want to continue as president.’ Every candidate has got to say ‘change.’ That’s what the American people expect.” (Guess who is leading the Democrats’ campaign on the rhetoric of change? Maybe he has something going here)

George Bush

Let’s make sure that there is certainty during uncertain times in our economy (And you thought only Quayle had no idea of economics or English!)

Groucho Marx (bow to him, all ye of lesser mind!)

Humor is reason gone mad.

Dan Quayle again:

“I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn’t study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.”

“We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe.”

Some favourites from P.G. Wodehouse

“The Aberdeen terrier gave me an unpleasant look and said something under his breath in Gaelic”

Bertie Wooster’s musings never fail to amuse me and this is one of my favs:

“Nevertheless, Jeeves, it is a scientific fact that there is a particular style of female that does seem strangely attracted to the sort of fellow I am.”

“Very true, sir.”

“I mean to say, I know perfectly well that I’ve got, roughly speaking, half the amount of brain a normal bloke ought to possess. And when a girl comes along who has about twice the regular allowance, she too often makes a bee line for me with the love light in her eyes. I don’t know how to account for it, but it is so.”

“It may be Nature’s provision for maintaining the balance of the species, sir.”

Friends(again):

Ross: Why… why… why would you dream that?
Chandler: More importantly, was I any good?
Rachel: Well, you were pretty damned good.
Chandler: Interesting, because in my dreams, I’m surprisingly inadequate.
Rachel: Well, last night you seemed to know your way around the table.
Ross: I love it when we share.

(Later)
Ross: I can’t belive you two had sex in her dream.
Chandler: I’m sorry, it was a one time thing. I was very drunk and it was somebody else’s subconscious.

Seinfeld (again):

“Now, they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.” 

“The whole reason you watch a TV show is because it ends. If I wanted a long, boring story with no point to it, I’ve got my life. ”

 From Seinfeld(one of my all time-fav sitcoms):

“A relationship is an organism. You created this thing and then you starved it, so it turned against you. Same thing happened to the Blob.”

DQ :

“Bank failures are due to depositors who don’t deposit enough money to cover losses due to mismanagement”.

Dan Quayle again:

“I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy – but that could change.”

From the sitcom “Friends” (Forgot which episode):

Chandler: “You know what’s weird? Donald Duck never wore pants. But whenever he’s getting out of the shower, he always put a towel around his waist. I mean, what is that about?”
 

P.G.Wodehouse in “Galahad at Blandings”

“You are going to try to touch Lord Emsworth?”, he gasped.

Gally frowned.

“I dislike the word ‘try’. It suggests a lack of confidence in my powers”.

“But you can’t ask him to lend a stranger like me five hundred pounds!”

“You are perfectly right. I shall make it a thousand. You will need a margin. One always does when one is doing up a house….”

 Another Dan Quayle Quote:

“We are ready for an unforseen event that may or may not occur.” 

Dan Quayle (Ex-VP, USA – Well known for the verbal gaffs he makes)

“Hawaii is a unique state. It is a small state. It is a state that is by itself. It is a –it is different from the other 49 states. Well, all states are different, but it’s got a particularly unique situation.”

Stephen Fry (a personal favourite) in Paperweight:

However, amongst this mire of violation, ruin and despair (referring to talk and reality shows – added for explanation), some redeeming pearls did shine forth. From America, and from here (UK – added for explanation), there were many actors dressed up and pretended to be policemen or criminals and gave entertaining representations of fights and shoot-outs. Many a car exploded in a jolly and exciting fashion as a part of this make-believe…….These merry, silly, forever romping fictional diversions were, as fiction always has been, and always will be, harmless, instructive and charming. I shall recommend they be left alone, as should all drama and fiction, but the violence, the violence that attacks our young in the monstrous shapes I have already tried to describe (Talk and Breakfast shows, Reality shows -added for explanation), that I shall spare no effort to uproot, extripate, decimate, annihilate and destroy.

And can I forget one of my favourite comics?

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